I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
