I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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