cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
