I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
