He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We are all done wearing pants today
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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