why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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