Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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