You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
