On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
