Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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