I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You made out with two different species that night
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
