Your face is a jimmy john
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
