I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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