If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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