a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
