Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There's even glitter on my cock...
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