I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
