I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
