Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
