so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
