i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
