literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
