the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm sobbing to NWA
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
