Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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