Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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