woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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