I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
