My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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