I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
