dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
