I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize