wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
