She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize