And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
