guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
