My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
