It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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