My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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