Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
