you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize