There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
