hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
