I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
