After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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