someone get that fucking seahorse.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
