So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize