so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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