He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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