dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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