I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
