Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize