You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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