She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
