here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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