having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
