i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
