DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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