Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
