just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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