We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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