Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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