I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize