Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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