just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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